Packing Up The Embassy
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
I have been putting this off for a long time, but I know it has to be done. I have to start packing all the crap that I have accumulated and ship it back to Canada.
But I have a plan. In order to avoid any glass being broken I am just going to melt it all down into a big block and then have it all re-blown when I get back.
Not sure what to do with the rubber chicken, but I will find a use for it somehow. As a leader, you have to never be afraid to use it. I keep telling Steve (Harpoon) Harper that. But he is about as humorous as … well, I don’t know but he has no sense of humour.
I have also learnt that if you rush the previous tenants out, you have a better chance of scoring free food in the fridge and toiletries. It is even better when they don’t speak English. Just go in and yell “IMMIGRATION!”, you just might get some decent furniture out of it as well.
In my way of contributing to the environment, and being a cheap S.O.B, I am not going to buy boxes. I am just going to stuff everything into the container and fill it full of packing peanuts and bubble wrap.
I also recommend that you toss a few smoke grenades into each room to flush out any illegal aliens. You don’t want to find out that there is an extradition charge waiting for you.
Also, you must MUST go door-to-door informing your new neighbours that you are a convicted sex offender. I was reading the news in Canada that it is now a legal requirement. I don’t know why, but it is the law. Even if your not, you have to. Maybe Steve does have a sense of humour after all.
I have to give back the manure spreader that Grandad lent me. Now that the war with Quebec is off, I have no use.
Also, I have to forward my bills somewhere. So I have changed it to the Cork County Council Environment office. They run the the dump. So they will know how to deal with it.
News has spread to the Guards as well. I sure am going to miss the Task Force they used to send around. They were always up for a laugh when I started experimenting with my new hobby of making rockets. I think it had something to do with the fact that maybe I was better armed then they were. I am going to have to go over there and visit , I promised we would exchange recipes before I left.
Let you know if I find anything else.
Cheers!
Lord Cranky
Break Out The Cow Bells!
As many know, I am getting close to returning back to Canada. I was already looking forward to the trip, but now I am over the moon.
I was wondering what I was going to when I returned. I already have a career but I had been giving it serious consideration if I wanted to continue.
So while checking out the state of affairs in my homeland, I come across this cool article.
New porn channel lets Canadians strut their stuff | Oddly Enough | Reuters
There is only part that I find shocking is that this is located in Sherwood Park. I thought only hair dressers lived there. I had the misfortune of actually dating a few hair dressers from Sherwood Park.
So now I have a new goal and a possible careers path to follow. I am going to be that guy who plays the cow bells for the background music.
I had already started practicing. But the poor neighbours collie is going out of her mind, not because I am playing the cow bells, she is going mad looking for the cows! It is in her nature poor thing.
It does have me wondering, If I do get this gig and I get to play the cow bells, would that attract hair dressers? You can send your complaints of my political incorrectness here, spam@crankycanuck.org. I will have my Social Secretary get right back to you.
How Do I Top That?
First it was a letter sent to my hero Vladimir Putin, asking him to nuke Quebec for threatening an Irish Pub for not being “French” enough.
Then it was my own version of “Survivor Ireland”. Having to work in Newbridge, Co.Kildare and limiting my fights with the travellers to only 2 fights a week.
One day while reading about some “Lord” in England selling his title and deeds to his properties for 12 Million or so on eBay, I figured I wanted in on this.
I checked the Canuckastan treasury. I don’t have enough. I also hate eBay because they wouldn’t let me sell my soul. It wasn’t like I was using it and thought I could get a few bucks for it.
While surfing around I found a place in Scotland that would sell me land AND it would also allow me to use the title of Lord.
I had to do it.
The title is just that. Just a title. But it sure sounds cool.
If they can give the title of Doctor to someone who is not medical, why not give a title to a crank. A cranky crank.
Like me.
Today in the post, the land title of ownership and the Title certificate arrived. They really know how to move things along. Guess being a Lord and all they didn’t want to anger me.
But here is my conundrum. How do I top that?
Because I Can;
Lord Cranky Canuck
The Drama of Queens
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
I went out to meet some friends last night. They wanted to shower me with the adulation’s of acquiring a Lordship title. Who was I to say no to that?
So off to my local I go. When I walked in, I was struck by the amount of people in there., and not a familiar one at that. Had the travellers moved in? Because there were a lot of English accents. Not the Irish ones. I got worried. Empty chip bags and torn beer mats were all over the place.
Children were running about and I nearly stepped on one. I wish I did, but I didn’t want to soil my shoes.
I got my pint and went out to the beer garden because I didn’t want to hurt my ears listening to the screeching adults. I guess there was a soccer game on.
I hate that sport. Give me Hurling, Rugby or Women’s Beach Volleyball any day. I don’t have time to watch drama queens and their antics. You tap a soccer player on the shoulder and he will drop to the ground holding his knee and the tears will start flowing.
One of the lads came out and looked at me strangely. Wasn’t hard to do as he already looked strange before he even looked at me. “Yer not watching the match!?”
“Nope”,says I. “Can’t be bothered and I can’t stand drama queens.”
“Yer accent, Your from America?”
“County Canada thank you very much”
Silence. FINALLY!
“I guess it wouldn’t be your sport then. But it is the beautiful game”.
I laughed into my pint.
So here is why I don’t for one instance believe that soccer is “The Beautiful Game”
And just to press my point ONE MORE TIME…..
The Beautiful Game… Yeah right.
Screwing Around
When Irish Eyes Are Smiling . . . RUN!
It is so nice to be back in the Canuckastan Embassy. And it is nice to see that BalIydonemypint is still the same.
I think this is going to be my month. A reward for being somewhere I didn’t want to be in the first place and putting up with it for a little more the 4 months.
How do I know this?
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I was actually able to amuse myself with buying a Scottish Lordship title that I intend to milk for everything that it is worth.
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I put a bet down on a horse at 100/1 each way and it came in.
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I am pretty sure the ex House Elf has stopped her assassination attempts. But she’s crafty so I am going to keep an eye open just to be safe.
Did you know that in Newbridge, Co.Kildare they only have two television stations? Horse Racing and Soccer. I am sure there are other stations, but you wouldn’t be able to tell that crowd.
The next few days will be interesting as I now have to start packing the Embassy. Not sure how I am going to fit the keg of Beamish in, but I will figure it out. I was thinking maybe I could strap a handle on it and bring it on as carry-on.
With No Apologies
Think Amy Winehouse…
They said I had to go to Newbridge.. I said No No No….
Today I celebrate my last day of purgatory. I no longer have to work in Newbridge in Co.Kildare.
The lads at work have chipped in for a Doctor to surgically remove the smile off of my face.
With no apologies to Amy WInehouse… Let Blake Rot!
Lordy it’s Official!
I bought and paid for a Scottish Title. You can now refer to me as Lord Cranky of Lochaber. It’s just something you do when your bored. Women buy shoes, I buy titles.
Not sure “exactly” where it is, but I do get a chunk of land to go with it. It’s somewhere out in the Scotish Highlands, that much I do know. And I am going to protect that land. If any tourist even comes close to it, I will get all braveheart on their keesters.
Ladies of the Olympic Beach Volleyball teams will always be welcomed.
It’s just a title though, it isn’t exactly what I would call “Royal”. It’s in the same class as someone who did a Doctorate. Sounds cool, but it means nothing.
But I can’t wait to take it for a spin at the Bank and when I have to check into a hotel.
I can see it now as I walk into the hotel and being announced “Announcing His Majesty of Canuckastan, Lord of Locaber … Cranky!”
It has a nice ring to it. I think I will go out and show my support to single mom’s now.
Toodles!
Canuckastan At The Olympics
I was going to post something, but I was busy, erm.. I mean distracted. I started to watch the Olympics.
I used to care about the Olympics. But then it just started to become a waste of time for me.
I just lost interest. I think it goes back to when the International Figure Skating Federation past a law about women’s figure skating costumes. You can thank Katarina Witt for that <le sigh>
But now I have a new sport to watch, Women’s Beach Volleyball.
See you after the Olympics.
Twitter Update Woes
If anyone knows how to get twitter to play nice I would love to know. I am trying to set up a page that will show my updates rather then putting it into the side bar or using a widget.
I have tried a couple of things but it just won’t work. The page loads nicely, but no text… I don’t get it.
So if anyone has the mad programming skills that I don’t have, I would love to hear from you.
Reports of My Demise
Well, I am back my friends. I had mentioned that I was using the dotMAC service for a while and that I was having fun with it. Yet the honeymoon ended pretty quick when I found out just how limiting the service really was.
Steve “mad dog” Jobs, you know… that crazy guy who micro-manages that company called Apple really blew it. In order for me to publish anything, I always had to have my MacBook with me. That was stupid. And then they went to this new service called MobileMe.
Well guess what Steve-O, I am not always carrying my MacBook around with me. I am going to miss the stuff that I could do with multimedia. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t create my multi media on a Mac, it just means that I can now publish anywhere and anytime.
I am still fleshing out the background stuff on this site.
Right now, I think I am going to go and bother Grandad over at Head Rambles. He is still the coolest curmudgeon on earth and is even crankier then me!
