Canuckastan Press

I’m a dynamic figure often seen scaling walls & crushing ice. I woo women with my demigod-like kazoo playing ability; I cook 30 min. brownies in 20 mins. I chew other people’s pencils, take labels off unopened cans of food.I signal right turn left. For surprise gifts, I overhaul auto-engines and take credit if it doesn’t start.

I am the subject of numerous documentaries and when I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my living room. On Wednesdays, I repair nuclear reactors at no charge for the Seniors Centre. I give inaccurate stock quotes (buy high-sell low).

I’m a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail; I sign important document’s in crayon.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in the international botany circles. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick & David Copperfield in 1 day AND still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket; I sleep once a week. On weekends I participate in full-contact origami.

I’ve made extraordinary 4 course meals using only a whisk & toaster; I breed prize-winning clams. I’ve spoken with Elvis, howled at the moon and swam with jellyfish. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.